Just Kidding - Edo's joke section

Hello and welcome to the funniest part of my page. Here are some jokes.
You can also visit my Jokes You Gotta hear page - funny sound files.

Snow White, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were having a bad day. Snow White exclaimed, "You know, I don't think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world!" At which Tom Thumb chimbed in, "Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I'm the world's smallest man".
Not feeling left out, Quasimodo sighed, "And I may not be the world's ugliest person".
Well, they all died on the same day. In heaven, they each had a meeting with their Maker.
Snow White came out of the meeting beeming to her friends, "It's okay fellas, I was the most beautiful woman in the world!"
Coming out of the meeting, Tom Thumb bragged to his two friends, "I really was the world's smallest man!".
After the third meeting, Quasimodo approached his friends scratching his head, confused. "Who the hell is Yasser Arafat?!"

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some news.You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
'It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.
"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do"?
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me?" says the man.
"No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

The kindergarten kids were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to start acting more grown up, so she told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words.
She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.
The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.
The teacher again said, "No, no, you went for a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word."
Then the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he had read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.
He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Shit."

Pinoccio goes to Jepetto and tells him: "I need advice. When I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What should I do?"
Jepetto: "Smooth it with some sand-paper."
A week later they meet again and Jepetto asks Pinoccio: "How is the sex with the girlfriend now?"
Pinoccio: "Who needs a girlfriend!"

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"
Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

An overdressed, over perfumed, sexy blonde boards a jet and plops down in a first class seat. The suspicious flight attendant asks to see her ticket. She then says to the girl, "I'm sorry, but you have a coach ticket and you'll have to move back to the coach section."
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to the Bahamas and I'm not moving."
The frustrated flight attendant goes to her supervisor telling her, "I can't get that blonde woman to move back into coach. What shall I do?"
The supervisor says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it," and speaks to the blonde telling her she cannot stay in the first class section.
The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to the Bahamas and I'm not moving." The two upset flight attendants go to the cockpit and tell the captain of the situation. He says, "no problem, I'll go back and speak to her."
So he goes to the blonde, leans over and whispers in her ear. She immediately stands up, gathers her belongings and goes right back into the coach area. In amazement the flight attendants ask him, "What in the world did you say to her?"
To which the captain answered, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to the Bahamas."

What is the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it crashes into the windsheild of a speeding car?
Its ass.

- "You're crazy!"
- "And you're normal?!?"
- "Yes, of course"
- "So it's good that I'm crazy".

An American, a Frenchman, and a Pole (from Poland) are working on a construction site. When they get there lunch break they all sit together on the building. The American says: "If my wife gave me peanut butter and jelly again I'm gonna jump off this building." He opens his bag and sees peanut butter and jelly, so he jumps and dies. The Frenchman says: "If my wife gave me Camembert cheese again, I'll jump too." He sees what he has and jumps to his death. The Pole says: "If I have a salami sandwich again I'll jump." He sees salami and jumps.
The next day the 3 widows talk . The American wife says:"I wish he told me he's sick of peanut butter and jelly." The French wife says:"Why didn't my husband tell me to give him something else!" And the Pole says:"Why did he jump!? He made his own sandwiches."

A woman comes to the dentist. The dentist says: "Lady, you got a bad tooth in there. I have to pull it out".
The woman says: "Pull it out ?!? I'd rather have a baby."
So the dentist says: "Decide fast, because I have to adjust the chair."

In the olympics an athlete comes to another athlete and asks: "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Second athlete: "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Valter ?"

Two people go to a restaurant.
Man#1: "Waiter, give me a class of water please."
Man#2: "A glass of water for me too. Make sure the glass is clean."
After a few minutes the waiter comes and asks: "Who wanted the clean glass?"

Policeman: "The signs say the speed limit is 20."
Driver: "How was I supposed to see them at 90 miles an hour !?!"

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Suddenly he hears a tiny voice that says "nice tie". He looks around and doesn't see anybody that could have said that. Then he hears the voice again saying "Nice hat". He looks around and he still doesn't see anybody, so he asks the bartender: "I keep hearing these tiny voices saying nice things to me and I can't see anybody".
The bartender says: "Those are the peanuts, they're complimentary".

A driver gets stuck in traffic and sees a cop walking around between the cars. He calls the cop and asks: "Why isn't anybody moving?"
cop: "O.J. Simpson is on the road and he's saying he'll cover himself with gasoline and burn himself, because he's depressed about the the new verdict. He doesn't have enough money to pay the Goldmans and the Browns."
Driver: "Why are you walking around between the cars?"
Cop: "I'm making a collection for him"
Driver: "And how much have you got?"
Cop: "10 gallons"

A sailor meets a pirate in a port, and the conversation turns to their adventures at the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sailor asks: "So, how did you end up with the wooden leg?"
Pirate: "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a group of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"
Sailor: "Wow! What about the hook?"
Pirate: "We were boarding an enemy ship and battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut my hand off"
Sailor: "And the eye patch?"
Pirate: "Sea gull shit fell into my eye."
Sailor: "You lost your eye to a sea gull's shit?!?"
-"No, it was my first day with the hook"

Mr. Smith: "Nurse, be honest with me. How much time do I have left in life?"
Nurse: "Well, let's put it this way. If I were you I wouldn't start reading 'War and Peace'."

A farmer drives by a mental institution in a truck full of organic waiste. When he stopped near the hospital, a patient asked him: "What do you have there?"
"Cow droppings", he said.
-"For what?"
-"For the strawberries."
-"You should be put in here. You're crazier than us- we put sugar and cream on our strawberries!"

A medical student on his first day in the mental ward of the hospital walks in the hall, glancings into rooms. In one room he sees a man totally naked, except for a small hat on his head.
"Why are you naked?"
"Because nobody ever comes to visit me."
"And why do you have your hat on?" "Maybe somebody will come anyway."

"The acoustics in this concert hall are fantastic!"
"Pardon?"

Barber: "Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in?"
Customer: "No." Barber: "Oh, then I must have cut your throat."

Do you know who'll be Mike Tyson's next opponent?
Prince Charles, because he's the only one with ears big enough to last 15 rounds.

Here's a joke for Israeli citizens and people who understand hebrew:
Why is it good to be an American citizen?
Because in the States they have: CBS, ABC, NFL, NBA, NBC and NBB

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If you want to send a comment or add a joke mail me at: [email protected]
The jokes are from different sources: the web, jokes e-mailed to me, joke books, and jokes I made up.

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